I lost in the first round of the tournament this weekend and it was ugly. I didn't get beat up and my opponent didn't dominate me, I just performed terribly.
Losing is bad enough, but as I walked off the mat to see my daughter on the sideline I could see how sad she was that daddy didn't get his hand raised. There's nothing worse than feeling as though you let your daughter down. It's possible that I'm just projecting my own disappointment onto her, but I keep seeing her sad little face in my head.
On the drive home there were lots of thoughts running through my head, everything from "I need to start going to Jiu Jitsu 2-3 times a day, 7 days a week" to "fuck it, I'm just going to quit BJJ". Yes, after everything BJJ has done for me and my family I was thinking about quitting.
The thought of quitting stayed with me Saturday Night and into the next day. The disappointment I felt in myself was compounded by the fact that I drank way too much on Sat night, so by Sunday afternoon it was a big spiral of negative self talk and doubt combined with a hangover.
Later that day my daughter and I were sitting in our driveway drawing pictures with sidewalk chalk and as I watched her I could see how happy she was just to hang out with her dad. She wasn't looking at me as though I was a failure, she didn't see some looser who got beat at his tournament the day before, she was just excited to draw hot air balloons with her daddy.
About that time I started to think about her favorite book, Rosie Revere, Engineer. We read this book at bedtime at least 5 times a week. The story is about a little girl that constantly builds gadgets and gizmos for her family out of random items she finds around the house and in the trash. Unfortunately most of her gadgets don't work and her uncle even laughs at her when she makes him a hat to keep snakes off of his head. For her final invention she makes a helicopter for her aunt that has always wanted to fly.
When the helicopter eventually crashes her aunt starts laughing causing Rosie to quit saying "I'll never be a great engineer". But her aunt stops and reminds her that for a helicopter to crash, it must have flown first. Meaning, her first try was a success and she should keep going.
At this part in the book we always have our daughter say the famous line "The only true failure comes if you quit". She's so excited when she gets to read this part and she really believes it's true. So if the only failure is quitting, what the hell am I teaching my daughter if I quit Jiu Jitsu? How can I tell her to keep working at something when it gets hard if I quit just because I lost a match at some random tournament?
If I quit then what I'm teaching my daughter is bullshit and she should be disappointed in daddy. Even though I'm embarrassed by my performance and I feel sorry for myself I have to keep going to show her that what we've been reading together is true. The only true failure comes if you quit.
It's my job as a parent to teach my daughter as much as I can to help her be successful but as it turns out she teaches me just as much as I teach her.
Thank you little one for being such a good teacher. - Dad
Losing is bad enough, but as I walked off the mat to see my daughter on the sideline I could see how sad she was that daddy didn't get his hand raised. There's nothing worse than feeling as though you let your daughter down. It's possible that I'm just projecting my own disappointment onto her, but I keep seeing her sad little face in my head.
On the drive home there were lots of thoughts running through my head, everything from "I need to start going to Jiu Jitsu 2-3 times a day, 7 days a week" to "fuck it, I'm just going to quit BJJ". Yes, after everything BJJ has done for me and my family I was thinking about quitting.
The thought of quitting stayed with me Saturday Night and into the next day. The disappointment I felt in myself was compounded by the fact that I drank way too much on Sat night, so by Sunday afternoon it was a big spiral of negative self talk and doubt combined with a hangover.
Later that day my daughter and I were sitting in our driveway drawing pictures with sidewalk chalk and as I watched her I could see how happy she was just to hang out with her dad. She wasn't looking at me as though I was a failure, she didn't see some looser who got beat at his tournament the day before, she was just excited to draw hot air balloons with her daddy.
About that time I started to think about her favorite book, Rosie Revere, Engineer. We read this book at bedtime at least 5 times a week. The story is about a little girl that constantly builds gadgets and gizmos for her family out of random items she finds around the house and in the trash. Unfortunately most of her gadgets don't work and her uncle even laughs at her when she makes him a hat to keep snakes off of his head. For her final invention she makes a helicopter for her aunt that has always wanted to fly.
When the helicopter eventually crashes her aunt starts laughing causing Rosie to quit saying "I'll never be a great engineer". But her aunt stops and reminds her that for a helicopter to crash, it must have flown first. Meaning, her first try was a success and she should keep going.
At this part in the book we always have our daughter say the famous line "The only true failure comes if you quit". She's so excited when she gets to read this part and she really believes it's true. So if the only failure is quitting, what the hell am I teaching my daughter if I quit Jiu Jitsu? How can I tell her to keep working at something when it gets hard if I quit just because I lost a match at some random tournament?
If I quit then what I'm teaching my daughter is bullshit and she should be disappointed in daddy. Even though I'm embarrassed by my performance and I feel sorry for myself I have to keep going to show her that what we've been reading together is true. The only true failure comes if you quit.
It's my job as a parent to teach my daughter as much as I can to help her be successful but as it turns out she teaches me just as much as I teach her.
Thank you little one for being such a good teacher. - Dad
Your daughter is right. Recalibrate your success meter my friend. In the short time I have known you I've witnessed you shed a ton of weight. You have improved your cardiovascular endurance and strength. You have increased your Jiu Jitsu prowess. Your ability to go hands-on to defend yourself and your family has improved dramatically. You show up. You do the work. You inspire your teammates, both young and old. You are admired by your wife. You are spending quality time with your daughter on the mat in the Little Champions class. I see it every weekend, she laughs and you laugh. That sir is worth more than any medal you could ever earn. And, your are a nice guy to boot.
ReplyDeleteHere's a tip. Next match try drinking sangue dos meus inimegos.
See you on the mats.
DAD
You always have such a great perspective and you're a great guy. Thanks for all of your help Derek, your DAD initials are very fitting.
DeleteThis is beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDelete